Preface: I am not trying to cry wolf. I believe in equality for all races, genders, classes, and backgrounds. I fight for them. I always have and always will. Ask my friends, my coworkers, my boyfriend, my schoolmates, or my family.
This week I gave my workplace notice that I will be leaving my job at the end of next week. For those of you that don’t know, I am in an accelerated leadership program that had me on track to achieve an upper management position or high-level technical contributor role much quicker than normal career routes. I have been with the company five and a half years and through that time I’ve worked in a wide range of technical roles in a number of the company’s organizations. I’ve even temporarily lived in different parts of the country for periods of time to work at different sites of the company.
Before I was in the program I made a few extremely significant achievements through the company as well. Because of my technical success in my first two years, I was chosen to go underway on a U.S. Naval submarine. The special part about this is not just that it’s rare for people in our company to get this opportunity, but it’s still rare for women to get to go. In fact, this submarine had to be specially fitted to allow female passengers. So I was one of the very first women (there were 3 of us) to spend days underway on that sub. Before leaving for that trip I had been informed that I was needed on another sub that would take place the week following. Thus, I was the first female to spend time underway on two different U.S. Submarines purely due to the fact that I became known for my technical expertise and there were no other females that were capable of doing what I knew how to do at the time in my company.
At the same time, I was putting in a ton of effort and even my personal time to diversity groups; our company’s Women in Nuclear group and the regional Society of Women Engineers (also partially on behalf of the company but mostly on my own personal time). I even served on the executive boards of both of them for a while, organized banquets, and volunteered at events. I traveled to conferences, recruited for our company, and was a speaker at a SWE leadership development seminar.
Following those first few years, I was selected for the leadership program where I earned my Masters degree and rotated through positions including titles such as Thermal Engineer, Nuclear Engineer, and Project Engineer… among others. I’ve been sent to multi-day leadership colloquiums, numerous trainings of all kinds, and various technical and diversity conferences for my own benefit.
So why am I leaving?
Because I deserve better. I’ve always been told that performed “as expected” and no better (even though I’ve never seen another co-worker be as dedicated as me). I deserve to work somewhere that recognizes all of my contributions and appreciates them. Additionally, I deserve to work somewhere that doesn’t constantly make me question every single differing opinion that I have. When my thoughts and opinions don’t fall in line with that of the rest of the company, I feel like I’m constantly feeling guilty or paranoid. Those feelings have started to propagate into my personal life. My anxiety levels and stress levels are at an all-time high. I’m always questioning whether or not my opinions or technical justifications are being questioned with validity, or because I’m female, or for another reason. I’ve been questioned, shunned, and condemned enough times to know that not all of them were valid as my equal male counterparts do not have the same amount of similar experiences. When I question other people’s technical approaches or technical conclusions, it’s never a personal attack from me.
However, more times than I’d like to admit people (individual contributors and leaders alike) have felt I have questioned their integrity.
Would they have felt that way if any of the 39 males in the room of 40 asked that question versus me (the singular female)? I’m not sure. I’ll never know. But I’ve experienced this enough times to know that it happens more often to me, and other females (who are now too afraid to speak up), to know that at least SOME of those times are because I was a passionate female and my industry, and especially my company, is not used to that.
I’m leaving because the culture at my company isn’t ready for me. My company has all but ONE singular female in upper level technical leadership, and that happened within the last year. Everyone higher than second level management is (from what I know) white male. I applaud the single female who has made it this far, but I have no idea how long it’s taken her. I also have no idea what she’s sacrificed. I don’t need to sacrifice my career, my health, my personal life or relationships (nor does anyone else), to MAYBE improve a work culture that isn’t ready for strong, passionate, dedicated, female (or diverse/different from the norm) leadership.
I’m leaving to go to a company that ALREADY has females in high levels of technical leadership. A company that will not only allow my impact to be heard and seen throughout the levels of technical contribution but also throughout any level of leadership. A company that’s not afraid of a female leader; a company who is more than ready for THEM, because they’re already there.
I’m ready for a new opportunity, I’m ready for a workplace that appreciates the efforts I put in outside of my technical expertise.
That’s why I’m leaving.
Lying to Myself 