Category: Memory

Something has been on my mind lately and I haven’t quite been sure how to describe it.

First of all, I really hate blaming anything other than myself for things that I feel like I can, or *should*, be able to control. In this case, I’m referring to my memory… Or lack thereof.

Second of all, I really hate blaming medication or physical illness more than anything else. However, I think that in this case, after struggling for years and years and years, I might have to credit some of my struggles to those things.

I don’t remember when I was officially diagnosed with migraines or when I first started taking Topamax for them, but I do know it was around the time of high school. My best guess is that it was somewhere near the middle of high school, which would mean it was about 12-14 years ago. Since I’m 28 years old, that’s the better half of my life that I’ve been struggling with migraines, the effects of the medications, and in my opinion, other significantly debilitate headaches that aren’t migraines.

The worst days, of which have occurred both in high school and just as recently as a week ago, I have found myself in so much pain and misery that I don’t want my eyes open because the light makes my head pound, light sources look like exploding stars, movement or drastic contrast changes feel like adrenalin rushes that make my blood race which induce further head pounding. I just want to lay on my side in the fetal position under my desk at work or in my bed at home in pure silence and darkness… however sometimes, when I have my eyes shut I feel as though my feet are floating above my head, to the point my body is flipping and turning around in space, while I see these northern-light-like auras of neon green and purple. Very specific green and purple. This feeling in turn causes me nausea. In summary all I want to do is sleep off these headaches, but it’s almost impossible to do with the contradicting feelings between open-eyes and closed-eyes.

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What I might say is the weirdest part out of all if this, to me, is realizing that these “headaches” aren’t normal. I’ve told people almost my whole adult life that I have migraines and there are two responses: (1) some form of ‘that sucks, [someone they know/related to] has them to and I know they’re horrible’ and (2) ‘i get them too’. Because of these responses, I just assumed that they were common and that everyone who had migraines had ALL of the same symptoms, pain, auras, and experiences. In the last ~2 months, I’ve realized this probably isn’t remotely true; I probably have some of the worst combination of auras, pain, experiences, etc. that a person can have when it comes to migraines.

I haven’t told you how often I get them either. When I get a migraine it will last for 4-8 hours and will post likely reoccur every day every day for the week or two. Within these weeks, the migraines vary. Some days they’re the full Gambit if what I described, where I shouldn’t even drive or leave my bed or even open my eyes. Some days, I only get the auras and no headache pain at all, and the auras might only last for a few minutes and then happen again later in the evening. Once I’m migraine-free for about 3 days, then I feel pretty confident I can make it a week or two pretty safely.

Until my left cheek gets pins and needles down my neck for a few seconds. Sounding like a stroke? That’s my warning. Usually means I have a day or two. On rare occasions I will just get auras after that, but usually implies there are migraines in my near, unfortunate, future.

I have always just figured people thought I was exaggerating or lying when it came to this. So I rarely told people how bad they were, or how often I had them, or all of the word symptoms I experienced. After I was prescribed Topamax in high school, the number of days a month that I had a migraine went from just about every single day (of my life) to about ~7 from what I remember. I remember telling the doctor ‘I’ve had this migraine for 3 months’ and then being told that I couldn’t have one that long, but she never explained that it could’ve just been reoccurring daily on and off (which is exactly what it was doing, I was just bad at explaining). Anyways, once I was prescribed that we considered that a ‘success.’ and didn’t continue further with trying other medications (I don’t think) because my family had a bad history with Maxalt and Imitrex.

My doctor refused to go to a high dosage on Topamax because it caused what was referred to as ‘brain fog.’ so about a week a month of migraines for me was what I would live with compared to everyday. Honestly, that was a huge improvement.

However, it became apparent to my family that brain fog had set in, but I think I was too young to really know? I’m not really sure. I don’t remember feeling or thinking or remembering differently, but my mom specifically recalls times of me not thinking or remembering clearly. When it was time for me to go to college, or maybe it was early in my college career, we had me titrated off of Topamax because if brain fog. I hadn’t had any significant migraines in a while and I was struggling at school remembering just daily activities, not to mention my studies. So that was that.

All was well, until about a year later when I can actually recall a few, extremely bad, potentially the worst migraines of my life. One of them I had actually begged my friends to leave class and take me to the hospital, which I had never done before. From that point on, I started finding over the counter methods to deal with the migraines for the next few years.

A. Lot. Of. Advil. And… even more Excedrin Migraine. Like, I can’t reiterate, A LOT. At one point I had a UTI turn into a kidney infection, which almost turned into kidney failure because I had been using so many OTC pain killers that they did nothing for me anymore but my pain tolerance was so high that I never knew when to sell medical attention. In that incident I took way too many pain killers before realizing I should go to the hospital, when I finally got care I was told that I was within hours of kidney failure. I’m not surprised; I couldn’t sit without pain, not to mention lay down, or even stand or walk… my mid-back was hot to the touch and I was visibly pale.

Eventually the time came, and I graduated college. I got an adult job and I went to work every day 8 hours a day for 5 days a week. This is where it became obvious I might need medication again because I could not longer skip a class here and there to go lie down and sleep off a migraine. Sure, I had Excedrin or Advil, but really? At this point they did nothing for me. Nothing. I couldn’t even tell you if or when I had ‘normal-person’ headaches (that’s what I called them) because my pain tolerance when it came to headaches was so high. Often times, for the first year in my job, I would get a migraine and just work through it. Sometimes I would put on sunglasses while I stared at the computer and hoped no one noticed.

Luckily we got 5 days of sick time a year. You bet I used all 5. I also got 3 weeks of personal leave a year. You bet I used some of that towards migraine recovery too. Some days when it was so bad that I couldn’t even keep my head up, I would try to make it until about 2 hours left in the day and then leave early. Some days I only made it until lunch. The worst were the days I woke up with them because I had to try to save my time away from work since I was constantly not knowing when I’d have another, worse migraine that I’d need the time for. It was, and still is, a constant battle of balancing time away from work to figure out if it’s worth it: ‘for THIS migraine or the Next migraine’ because I never know. Either way I’m not getting work done, it’s just a difference of should I struggle and be in pain at home in bed where I’m safe, or at work wasting time where I could be potentially risking my safety from driving or commuting (or working, etc)?

Anyways, to discuss the title a little more, the brain fog. I know I have these memories. I know I want to remember them and I know they’re still there. When I try, I can’t remember them. When I need to, I can’t remember them. BUT on occasion, after trying or after needing them, that memory will randomly pop into my brain from a foggy abyss.

It’s very frustrating knowing I purposely tried to remember something but at this moment in time, this moment when I need that memory, I can’t remembe it. It’s usually when my intelligence or integrity or capabilities are being tested, and I almost always fall short. But I know that the knowledge is in there because more often than not, I remember whatever it is that I needed after the fact.

I hate looking stupid, or forgetful, or worse, a ‘stupid boonde,’ or ‘its ok because you’re a woman.’ I know those jokes are light hearted but they stem from somewhere and since we keep using those jokes, those stigmas still exist. And since they still exist, it feels even worse when my crappy ‘brain fog’ shows up just in time to “prove” one of those stigmas right. When that happens I really let myself down because I feel like I’m letting down an entire group of people and I’m disappointing those who believed in me.

At that point, it already feels too late to explain my migraines and the side effects of Topamax. I’m on one of the highest possible dosages and I STILL feel like it’s an excuse that I can’t remember things clearly. Just living my daily life right now feels like I’m constantly forgetting something but I don’t know what.

All joking aside, imagine feeling like you’re *constantly* forgetting your own name, or what day of the week it is, or your age. That’s how I feel all too often.