Lately I spend the days thinking how much I was the one that screwed up over the past year. Did you know we are coming up on the 1st year anniversary on when we met? Just months ago, for a second time (or maybe even more) I thought I couldn’t have screwed up more by meeting you. There have been days in this last year where I wonder if I regret even meeting you.
You were the first person I ever met from ‘the internet,’ oooooh scary! What a scary thought, in the year 2018 at the age of 27 – how could that be? Well, I had been in serial monogamous relationships basically up until that point for the last… I don’t even know how many years! Six? Seven? Ten?? I’m not even sure. And that night I was moving on from one and looking for another. That night I fell in love with you so hard within just the first hours of knowing you. The first hours, the first minutes, the first seconds. Your voice, your ambiance, your character, your gestures, your jokes, your stories, the way you held yourself, and the way you laughed and most importantly, that smile. The way you chose when to make eye contact and the way you chose when to reserve the eye contact for a better moment.
The way we kissed in the parking lot and a fire ignited. I knew in that instant I needed you in my life and there was no turning back from that point.
That’s how I fall. Well, specifically, that’s how I fell. For me, there’s no going back until a relationship is completely gone. However with you, there was an instant connection unlike no other I’d felt before.
But our relationship over the last year hasn’t been so great, has it? And yet, somehow it’s still not over and we keep coming back. Now it’s time to move forward.
While I can say that we have both learned a lot – a lot about each other, a lot about ourselves, a lot about the way the world works, and a lot of about the human brain – I can say that it hasn’t been the funnest ride all the way through… Sure there’s been fantastic ups and extremely low downs. But damn, do I know about those lows, as I’m sure you do. At this point we may not have even talked those through yet, but we will. We will get there and we will get past them.
However, my reflection on us has brought me to a conclusion that this story isn’t about you; this story is about me.
Lying to Myself 