All day I’ve been asking myself ‘who am I writing for?’ wondering who I am writing these posts for. Are these posts for me, or are they for you? Or, are they for her? Maybe they’re for her, and for the rest of the world – to tell them what we can’t tell them directly. In a way that would make them for us, I suppose. Even though I don’t have a concrete answer (I lean towards the last one), I don’t really care what the answer is. Some nights I enjoy this, other nights I feel like I really need to get a thought off of my mind.
When i spend long periods of time alone, a lot of thoughts run through my head. We joke about that a lot, that my brain is always running and we better not let it get too crazy because who knows where it’ll go if left unattended. But, in all truth, a lot of my thoughts are memories (sometimes good, sometimes bad) and less often about paranoia or worrying about worst-case-scenario situations.
I just want to share so many of these memories that I have, here, with everyone reading. Especially those memories relevant to this particular story I’m trying to tell. I wish I could stop whatever I was doing each time I had a memory that I realized I hadn’t written down yet that I wanted to share – but the reality is that there are other things that must be finished first. Things like getting ready for my day, spending hours at work, keeping the house clean, making meals, or taking care of myself and the animals; then, only then, when I get to my free time at the end of the day can I come here and write. That assumes I’m still in the ‘writing mood.’ It seems I’ll go about a week without wanting to write, and then write for a few days in a row until I write a really long (usually an emotional) catalogue of my thoughts. Either way, I’m thankful that I’m finally doing it.
Meanwhile, our lives unfold, as I get ‘further behind’ in my imaginary, nonexistent schedule of writing whatever this is that I’m writing. Today we got some good news, albeit very tiny – we are definitely being optimistic with it. Tomorrow is the day we really find out if this ‘news’ is good. If it goes the way we are expecting, I can continue writing this with the outcome I hope for. If it doesn’t go as we expect, well we either just keep waiting for another solidified outcome or there’s a twist we don’t see coming.
Lying to Myself 